the king of the beach
When I find myself in the unexpected presence of an Übermensch, a human so obviously superior to the seething sludge-pools of homosapien biomass, it is all I can do to keep from staring, mouth ajar, and take lo-def video with my camera phone.
Gentle reader, I confess that on the beaches of Hawaii, I witnessed such a man.
THE KING OF THE BEACH WORLD
The video cannot capture this man’s utter opulence so allow me to attempt to capture him in words: I would age him somewhere between 65 and 1 million years old. Despite his advanced age, he has the exquisite physique of an Olympic diver and the platinum blonde hair of a southern belle. At one point in his life he has had his skin completely removed and replaced with NFL football-leather at the NFL football factory in Ada, Ohio. He walked with impeccable posture for hours at a time—back and forth across my line of view and did so with an expensive looking cane which clearly was a mere fashion accessory. His only attire: sunglasses and a speedo.
At this point I feel I must add that I saw this man while on my Honeymoon for my heterosexual marriage to a woman. Additionally, I am male.
However, such a being goes beyond the trivial confines of human sexuality. To witness this man is to stare into the swirl of the cosmos—to watch the birth of a baby snow leopard or perhaps to watch your self die.
I hesitate to post this because I fear the icy fingers of the Illuminati (who most certainly claim the King of the Beach in their upper echelons). If I disappear in the night and my blog turns into a 404 page, you will know why.
However, I also feel that the typical internet user (myself included) needs to be reminded of how utterly insignificant he is when compared to the bronze, sun-kissed majesty of this radiant senior citizen. That’s correct laxgurrl69@aol.com, this is today’s momento mori. You’re welcome.
Here is a scan of my original notes on the King of the Beach. Please forgive the crudeness of my pen.
